I Won't Survive Without You
by mathlover7
Summary: Set Season 5 Pre-Still – Kate has a dream. How will it affect Caskett? Just a short one-shot full of fluff and angst to get us through the torture of this summer. Rated T for semi-violence. Just in case. May seem OOC, but I love Kate and she doesn't show a lot of emotion, except for when she is vulnerable. So, yah! Tell me what you think!


**I Won't Survive Without You**

**By: mathlover7**

**Description: Set Season 5 Pre-Still – Kate has a dream. How will it affect Caskett? Just a short one-shot full of fluff and angst to get us through the torture of this summer.**

**Disclaimer: blah,blah,blah… I don't own them… blah, blah, blah**

* * *

Kate's phone rang and Kate groaned. It was 3 a.m. on her day off! Did anyone expect her to be able to do her job after she had just been up for the last 36 hours without any sleep? She was so tired she didn't even call Castle before she went to bed, like she always did when she wasn't at the loft. She had sent Castle home at around the 24 hour mark to spend time with Alexis. They had planned a dinner and Castle had offered to cancel, but she didn't want him to lose touch with his daughter just because they were on a tough case. She knew he would have done that, so she sent him home. When they finished the case, Captain Gates had ordered them to go home, that they had the next day off. Why was someone calling her then, and at this late an hour? She reach over to her bedside table blindly and clicked the 'answer' button without looking at the caller ID.

"This better not be a prank call at 3 a.m., or so help me God I will—," before Kate could finish Lanie's voice sounded through the phone.

"Kate? You need to get over here now!" Lanie said. Kate noticed her tone and was immediately up and out of bed, pulling on pants and a shirt.

"Where?" Kate asked wearily. While she pulled out her badge and gun from the wall safe, Lanie listed off the address, not elaborating on the nature of this call, but Kate knew something terrible must have happened for Lanie to call her personally, and not Ryan or Esposito. Kate had the address down and was out the door in seconds. The address wasn't any address she would know. The ride was short and fast with the gumball on. When she got there, she knew there was something wrong. Ryan and Esposito were both standing around looking lost and Lanie was crying. But, what was really weird was that Perlmutter was there, as well as Captain Gates. She got out of the car and went over to them.

"What's up?" Kate asked, looking between all of them for an answer. Everyone was reluctant to speak. Ryan looked angry and was shaking his head, looking everywhere except Kate. Esposito was holding Lanie whispering in her ear. Captain Gates was looking sympathetically at Kate.

"Will somebody please tell me what's going on? Is there a body or what?" Kate asked getting a little aggravated at everyone's silence. Captain Gates was the first to respond.

"Detective Beckett… Kate…" Captain Gates started.

"What? What's going on?" Kate asked urgently, her heart beating faster every minute. She knew no one was joking now. Her Captain had never called her 'Kate' before.

"It's about Mr. Castle," Captain Gates replied. Kate's face blanched. No, no it couldn't be… it just couldn't.

"What about him?" Kate asked, not wanting it to be what she was thinking.

"He… He is dead," Captain Gates said. Kate started breathing heavily, looking down at the ground, and shaking her head.

"No… No…," Kate whispered to herself over and over. She ran over to where the body was and stopped dead in her tracks. There sitting on the ground was the body of one Richard Castle.

"Oh God!" Kate yelled, pushing people out of the way to get over to his body. She didn't care that she wasn't wearing gloves and that she could possibly lose her job for this. She kneeled down and caressed his face. It was still kind of warm, couldn't have been dead for more than an hour. Tears were streaming down her face. She didn't care. Kate took his body and hugged it close to her body. She didn't care that people were staring at her.

"No! No, Please! I'm sorry, I am _so sorry_!" Kate kept saying over and over, like a mantra. She didn't care about anything. The man that she loved was dead, and she had never even told him! Three words that she had known were true for so long, and she was too much of a coward to say them!

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Kate said into Castle's hair. She was openly sobbing now but she didn't care! How could this happen? They were so happy! The wall was gone, shattered and now he… She was supposed to protect him! It all made sense now. She didn't call him and he hadn't called her all day. That wasn't like him.

Lanie stepped in front of her with a weird expression. Was that… disdain? "How could you do that to him, Kate? You didn't even tell him you loved him," She said and then left, leaving Kate confused and guilty.

Captain Gates stepped in front of her next. "He was assigned to you, Detective. You say you're his 'partner.' Well, why couldn't you protect him?" Captain Gates asked as she walked away, looking ashamed.

Ryan and Esposito stepped in front of her next. "Yo, Becks, you are like a sister to us, but Castle was our bro. How could you do this to him? And he didn't even know he loved you. How could you, Beckett?" Esposito said, while Ryan just shook his head.

Kate didn't know what to do. They were right, they were all right. He was gone, and now everyone in her life hated her. Guilt and sadness tugged at her heart, but she didn't know what guilt and sadness was until she saw who came in front of her next.

Martha stepped in front of her. "Katherine, really? You never told him you loved him! You were supposed to protect him! You were his partner, his girlfriend! He's gone and it's all your fault. How could you do this to my son?" Martha asked incredulously and she went away.

Alexis stepped up next with tears in her eyes. "How could you do this to my father?! You, the person who lost a parent right at my age, how could you? I trusted you! He loved you more than anything and you just let him die! Without telling him you loved him. He would have given you the world if he could! You were never good enough for him, and you never will be. I can't believe you did this, Kate. I hate you!" Alexis yelled angrily as she stormed.

Kate was breathing heavily. She was right. She was horrible to him, and he still loved her! And she did to, but she never said it. He is… He is dead and he didn't know. He would never know! She never deserved him and she took him for granted and now he's gone. Her whole world felt like it was crumbling around her. She hugged Castle tight, willing this to all just be a nightmare and it would go away soon—.

* * *

Kate jolted up in bed, breathing heavily, and tears streaming out of her eyes like waterfalls. She looked over at the clock which read 3 a.m. She grabbed her phone and hit 1 on her speed dial. The dream had been so real, so emotional, and had left her feeling raw. She knew the guilt, sadness, and apprehension she felt would not go away until she heard his voice. She was being paranoid, but she knew Castle would make everything ok. It rang and rang until she got his answering machine.

_Hi, you've reached Richard Castle. If this is Alexis, call me later pumpkin, I am probably out on a case. If this is a crazy fan girl looking for a hook-up, my girlfriend has a gun, so I would watch out. If this is Kate, leave me a _sexy_ message and I'll get back to you. If this is anyone else, I am probably writing, but if you leave a message after the beep, I'll get back to you… or maybe not. _***Beep***

"Hey, Castle," Kate said breathlessly. "Just wanted to know… you were ok I guess. Never mind, it was stupid. Call me."

Kate started breathing heavily again. No, no, this wasn't _actually_ happening again. There is a plausible explanation for this.

Kate dialed his number again. It rang and rang and she got his voice mail again.

_Hi, you've reached Richard Cast—_

Kate hung up without leaving a message and started to get up and get dressed. She didn't care how needy or paranoid she looked. She needed to know he was ok. Kate had finished getting dressed and she grabbed her badge, her gun, and her keys and headed out, locking her apartment as she went. She went the way over to the loft almost on overdrive.

_You didn't call him. You always call him. You love him. If you are honest with yourself, you have been sense before he went away to the Hamptons. This is all your fault. You needed to protect him. Why are you such a coward? It's all your fault. All the regrets you would have. If only… If only… If only…_

It was running through her head over and over as she drove aimlessly. When she finally reached the loft, she got out of her car and ran into the lobby. She waved as she passed Eduardo, who gave her a funny look, but waved nonetheless. Kate kept pushing the button to the elevator until the door open. She tapped her foot nervously in the elevator, willing it to go faster. She kept looking down at phone, expecting the inevitable call from Lanie telling her the news she _never_ wanted to hear. Realistically, she knew she was being stupid. It was just a dream. It just felt so real… too real. She never wanted to feel that again, and she just… she needed to know he was ok, no matter how desperate she looked. The elevator doors opened and Kate got out and ran down the hall towards Castle's door. When she got to Castle's door, her resolve faltered slightly. It _was_ 3 a.m. What right did she have to come knocking on her boyfriend's door this early in the morning? She really hated that term… boyfriend. Castle was so much more than a boyfriend, more than a lover, more than her best friend. He was her partner. But, she still didn't really have the right to come to him at 3 a.m. because of a _bad dream_. But, nothing, not even herself would stop her right now. She needed to know that he was ok, so she knocked 3 times on his front door. Nobody answered at first and she started to get worried. What if it wasn't a dream? What if all of that happened? What is Castle was… no, NO! It couldn't be, this wasn't how their story ended—

When Castle opened up the door, she launched herself into his arms, sobbing like a little girl. Castle was so surprised, that he staggered backwards a few steps before he registered what was happening. He looked down and saw his girlfriend wrapped around him crying. He immediately wrapped his arms around her, shut the door with his foot, and brought her over to the couch. Castle sat down on the couch and Beckett immediately crawled into his lap. Beckett hugged him tightly until she felt she was all cried out.

"I'm so sorry. I… should have protected you. I don't want regrets. I won't survive without you, Castle. I can't. Please don't leave me. I'm sorry," Kate said in a little voice.

"Whoa, hey, Kate it's ok. I'm not going to leave you. You do protect me. Kate, look at me," Castle replied while lifting Kate's head out of the crook of his neck. What he saw there was something he had only seen once before, when Kate was shot. The fear in her eyes may even be greater than that though.

"Kate, what brought all of this on?" Castle asked.

Kate looked away, "It… it was stupid, I just," Kate trailed off.

"No, it isn't stupid. Kate, please talk to me. Something has obviously frightened you, and I want to help," Castle said. Kate has never been like this before.

"I didn't call you," Kate said.

"No, and yes, we usually always call before we go to bed when we aren't together, but I wouldn't _leave_ you because of that," Castle said incredulously, shaking his head.

"I had a nightmare. It was so real. I got a call from Lanie saying to go to this address and to go quick. When I got there, Captain Gates was there… the body was yours," Kate said as tears started to fall again. "God, it was so real. I ran over and I grabbed you and I… I didn't, I couldn't think. I couldn't protect you. It was my fault and you were gone, and… I can't lose you, Castle, I wouldn't survive it. And I woke up and I called you twice and you didn't answer and I just got all paranoid and… I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come, It was stupid, but I just… I had to see you. I had to see that you were ok with my own eyes," Kate said, looking up at Castle.

"Hey, it's not stupid," Castle said, pulling her closer to him and rubbing his hand up and down her arm. "I am so sorry I didn't answer the phone. It's dead and I forgot to plug it in. But, Kate I am _right here_. And I know both you and I will try our very hardest to keep me here. Just one question? How did I die?" Castle asked.

Kate poked him hard in the shoulder. "It's not funny!" Kate exclaimed.

"No! Of course, it's not funny, but you know how sometimes you relive your mother's murder so was I stabbed like her? Was I shot? How did I die?" Castle asked. He only knew one way to prove to Kate that this wasn't real.

Kate looked up at him and saw no trace of sarcasm. He really looked curious. "Well… um, actually… I don't know. There was no blood, no gunshot wounds, no stab wounds. They were saying things, something about poison… I-I wasn't listening, really."

"Then you know for sure that this was a dream," Castle stated, matter-of-factly.

"How?" Kate asked, furrowing her eyebrows curiously.

"Because I would want to go out with a bang. Being poisoned is just too anti-climactic," Castle said grinning while Kate gave a watery laugh. "Whatever happens to me, it will _never_ be your fault, just like your shooting wasn't my fault no matter who blames me, someone else or myself. You can't think like that, it will eat you alive," Castle said.

Kate nodded, disbelievingly.

"What were you saying about regrets?" Castle asked, curiously.

"I don't want to regret. I don't want to wonder 'if only." Kate said.

"What would you regret?" Castle asked.

"I would regret… not telling you that I… I love you, Rick." Kate paused. "I am in love with you. I have been since the Hamptons, I was just too scared to say it. I love you so much, Castle, more than you will ever know and if something happens to you I…" Kate sighed, trailing off.

Castle was beaming. Of course, he knew Kate loved him. She gave up a week to help to take care of him when he broke his leg skiing. She planned the best surprise birthday party he has ever had. Everything Kate does shows him that she loves him, but hearing it and thinking it are two different things. "Kate I am not going anywhere. I am going to stay to annoy you and Alexis for a long time. Someone has to make sure you eat at least once a day and supply your coffee addiction, right?" Castle said jokingly.

Kate gave a watery laugh. "Yah. I couldn't go without my coffee could I?" Kate asked, finally relaxing into his embrace. They just stayed there, for quite some time. Finally, Kate yawned and Castle laughed.

"Maybe we should go to bed?" Castle suggested.

Kate sighed and shook her head childishly, burying her head into Castle's shoulder. "I don't want to move," Kate said into his shoulder.

"Fine, you don't have to move," Castle said, picking Kate up under her armpit and her knees and carrying her towards his room.

"Castle!" Kate exclaimed, wrapping her arms around Castle's neck. Kate sighed, "What are you… carrying me over the threshold?" Kate asked, before she even knew what she was saying.

Castle stopped in his tracks, looking down at his girlfriend. "Why… do you want me to?" Castle asked slowly.

Kate looked up at him through her lashes, biting her lip, and said, "Maybe… In the future."

Castle's smile looked like it could split his face in half as he continued to carry her into his bedroom. "Good to know," Castle said as he shut the door to his bedroom with his foot. He laid Kate down on what had become her side of the bed. Kate took off her gun in the holster and her badge and put it on the bedside table, along with her phone. Castle got down and took off her shoes and sock and removed her coat. Castle put his hand on cheek and swiped away the remaining tear tracks. He bent down and gave her a long, slow kiss. Kate put her arms around his neck, both of them trying to describe their love through that one kiss. When they broke the kiss, Castle got in on his side and Kate immediately cuddled into his side. She sighed contently, knowing that her sleep would not be plagued with nightmares whenever he was around.


End file.
